I'm crying again - bawling so hard that I can barely see and I'm afraid the cat will start biting me. Mascara is running down my face, and I can't breathe. What caused this, you ask? I think it has been building for a few weeks now. I was so calm, cool, and collected on our wedding anniversary. I didn't even feel the need to enact my plan to get very, very drunk. I pushed the thoughts aside so hard. Plus, I had a new job to look forward to and good friends to be with. I was more happy than I've been in a long time. But I still have the pain. The knife is still stuck in my side and twisting, maybe not digging deeper, but not withdrawing either.
Today has just been too much. I woke very early this morning to a dream of arguing with him and throwing him out of my father's house. I couldn't get back to sleep, and I just held my cat for an hour. I had to tell someone at work that I would have to take a few days off to go get divorced. I have avoided talking about my personal life, and I get heart-wrenching pangs anytime someone talks about theirs. I feel so ashamed. Also, I just don't want to let that out at work. Those people don't need to know that I'm damaged. I can't let it affect my work, and so far, it hasn't. I have good prospects, and I won't compromise them.
Then I read an article in Science that claimed if you avoid thinking about something during the day, you're more likely to dream about it at night. Is this why I have nightmares of him almost every night? Maybe I won't tonight.
Then I watched one of those dancing shows that I absolutely adore, and I came to a routine that was just so damn happy. It was about a couple who just discovered that she was pregnant. I just lost it the rest of the way. Then I read the amazing poem left for me in the comments of the previous post, and I could no longer contain the tears. At least all my mascara is gone by now.

Wednesday next week is the day that we can officially file for divorce. Oh dear god, it hurts.
I don't think I can be there. I may just pay half the fee, waive my rights to argue, and go to the beach.

Things are looking up

I feel like my depressed evening (and posting) was a really good catharsis. My heart is still in little pieces, but the rest of me is coming back together nicely. I feel much, much better. I'm enjoying reconnecting with friends and seeing the sights in DC. I'm making plans.
Even better, I am almost positive that I will have a science policy fellowship with the National Academies for three months this fall. I may even have a temporary job with them until then. I got way too excited yesterday and forgot to actually ask about things like pay, benefits, and oh, any other details, but I'm hoping I'll have those details soon.
I'm rediscovering who I am. Dammit, I'm an intelligent, competent, successful person who has a bright future ahead!

Deep thought of the day

Even wilted roses are beautiful at night in the rain.

puppy sitting on memorial day

Oh yes, he's passed out on the couch looking adorable right now, but the little stinker had me up at 6 am yesterday and 6:30 today. I am getting a lot of exercise dragging, uh, I mean walking him. I think he'd be pretty good as a jogging dog if I could run more than half a block at a time. He gets really excited to be running and doesn't stop to smell *everything* along the way.
We went to a brass quartet concert in Logan circle but left after an hour. Winston and I were both pretty bored. The main trumpet player was sharp enough that Winston started howling along.
I love messing around with the puppy, but I'll be glad to stop being the primary caregiver!

Joys and dangers of being alone

In two ways... I used to relish my solitude. I found it relaxing. I could enjoy a good movie or book, and take time to think about my life, good and bad. Now, I have to fight to keep from thinking. I can't enjoy myself for very long without reverting to being sad, even if just for a moment.
However, I am more free that I have been for a very long time. I can watch what I want, go where I want, and do what I want without worrying about what someone else thinks. That is quite nice. I haven't actually done much, but I could.

But I miss him so damn much. I can't watch a movie without wondering if he would like it or eat sushi without remembering that I introduced him to it. I have this well of tears that springs up at the slightest provocation. Sometimes just a word will do it. I wish that I was able to stay mad all the time. It would be easier.
I love him. I can't stop that. I'm beginning to hate him as well, but I would still do anything to have my husband back. But I can't have him. Even if I could have the person back that he is now, I still wouldn't have my husband. I wouldn't have the person that I loved for years back when all we did was play video games and go sledding. I wouldn't have the person that loved and cherished me when we got married. I wouldn't have the man who was so proud of me for being in grad school and for learning to crochet. I wouldn't have the sweet person who unexpectedly gave me a wonderful christmas present in 8th grade. I would always have the man who completely broke my trust and my heart. The man who lied to me for so long, who was too chickenshit to tell me the truth, even now. I just have to keep telling myself this. My heart is begging for my love, but there is no going back.

Now I have to distract myself again so that I can stop crying. Solitude is no longer my friend.

Many moons have passed...

... and my life has completely changed again. Now I'm exploring DC living, staying with my wonderful cousin and her boyfriend. I certainly couldn't ask for better people to live with. Unfortunately, my marriage didn't survive the last year. At least I have Raja to keep me company at night, but he likes to sleep on my head.
So now I need a job, a place of my own to live, and for my separation and divorce to be over. I think I'll have a divorce party to make up for the staid wedding reception. This one will include alcohol!!
I think I'll go out for a walk now.

New Apartment at Last!

We completely intended to be in New York by now, living the glamorous life in a shoebox apartment as close to the city as we could afford. Alas, that has been put on hold by my inability to peddle my degree to those planetary science-starved urbanites.
However, for now we are enjoying a rather huge place just a skip away from the Staunton downtown. I'm looking forward to walking to the discount movie theater, getting a drink afterwards, and walking home. The only downside is the seriously steep hill to conquer on the walk back from said drink. Perhaps that's where you sober up so that you don't trip over the cat when you get home. Anyone care to join us? (For an evening out, not a trip over the cat)